→ A YEAR AFTER

It's a crazy thing to read back at my blog a year ago now and feel the same exact way. Life has been a struggle as of late, because of losing you for the second time. Each feeling I felt before I am feeling all again; no effort, you wanting to explore things, you just leaving, you posting stuff with guys, you being inconsiderate, me saying I can't take it. It just sucks... these memories haunt me and I am absolutely stunned of how identical the feelings are from now and then.

I can't do anything about it anymore, I just sent you a long email and waiting for you to respond. It's so crazy to be on the blog and talk about the girl I've blogged about for so long. This journey has been nothing but amazing, and that's an understatement. After not talking for 8 months we see each other at Spring Splash and we just click. Each other both curious as to how each other were doing and just eager to spend time with each other. I thought nothing of it when we talked in the beginning, texting here and there but it wasn't a priority. Then next thing you know we decide to hangout and we went to do your hair at Andrew's place. Awkwardly not knowing what exactly to say since we haven't even talked together about what we were, but we went with the flow and it turned out amazing. I loved how you talked to Andrew about me, it made me feel like I was special. Rockwell was a whole other level of happiness... I was so happy that nothing was going to ruin my night; we had a couple drinks and I was feeling like I was on top of the world. Being with you just felt right. We would go get Jazz Cat. Your favorite place, getting picked up from the Village and heading over. We would catch up like nothing, drinking soju and soaking in each word to each other. Just a couple weeks of texting we're on my bed confessing every feeling and emotion to each other realizing how much we meant to each other. I still remember just laying with you talking - it was such a moment that I cherished.

Everything was so nice because you could see us taking the next step without worrying about anything, it was just so fun and exciting. Being asked to formals was a great feeling, it was the start of us officially... We would show people that we're back at it. I still can't get over how indescribable that feeling I felt with you; it was only you and me in that room. I saw nothing but your beautiful smile, it was a natural high that made life feel so surreal. Our stories continues on and on with adventures at the fairs, beaches, and San Francisco. I'm glad I got meet such an amazing person; there's so much to write about us but I have to start letting go some time...

We will get our time and when that time comes, nothing in this world will stop us from being happy together. And I'm so confident in this because of how strongly I feel about you. You are my second half, you complete me and there is no other person I would want to see myself with.

Until that day,


You know..... it's me, its you.

→ SWELL

Over the hump, and I'm back at it. I feel great about life and I'm not stuck in certain thoughts and memories. I love it.

→ NEW WORLD

Coming into Cal Poly Pomona, I couldn't say I was the happiest person. I got rejected to San Diego State and I was torn... Things turned out for the better when I researched that CPP had a top notch hospitality program. So here I am updating my first 4 weeks: to summarize it in a couple words... I'm enjoying it. It's not as lively as I thought it'd be but I realized that IT IS a commuter school. The campus size is decent, the teachers so far are really good. The white girls are phenomenal! One big difference is the shortage of Asians here, bittersweet. Things are different, pretty darn different. I'm cooking every night and the freedom is something I'm enjoying, but there is a little bit of me that misses my overly concerned mother. And that's that for school.

To what I believe is a much more serious matter, I've been struggling to feel wanted, appreciated, and important. I'm sure it's a little bit of everything that accumulated for me to feel this way. I'm off into a totally new world not knowing a person that goes to Pomona, and it's been quite difficult to establish myself into groups because people don't have the same interests as me here, or so it seems so far. Along with that, I miss feeling the importance I felt back in San Francisco, my friends, my family. They made me feel like I belonged to something and I can't wait to be back to just relax with them. Having to spend my birthday alone working on a 7 page paper and studying for a midterm crushed me. It wasn't the fact that I had to do work, it was more that I felt nobody cared... nobody noticed, I wasn't anything special to anybody.

And that's where I bring the girl I've been blogging about back, things have been awfully rough for me and you don't seem to even notice. I couldn't stand seeing the sight of you hugging that guy in pictures, I lost control of myself. The way you spoke to me that night and the way you were letting things go reminded me of the past. You never gave a shit, nor do you give a shit now. You are still the same person, and I just have to bang that flaw into my head so I can just continue on... Trust me, I'm getting there but there are instances where memories I have with you causes me to fall into a rut. I thought we'd be able to be friends, but I'm not able to... Nor do I want someone so discouraging that doesn't appreciate me as a person.

One thing about me is when I invest time in a girl I like and care for, I dive right in. I have to learn from my past so I don't keep coming across girls who don't appreciate me. I find myself a decent looking guy that thought he knew all about getting a girl, but I find myself lost when finding the right girl. It just hasn't came to me yet, where a girl has a mutual care and attraction similar to mine. I've recently been told that I show my cards to fast, maybe that's it, I'm too nice when it comes to girls I fall for. I end up being taking advantage and being unappreciated, and that might be the worst feeling for me. Over and over...


I'll learn soon.

→ 3AM THOUGHTS

I'm stuck in bed thinking about how precious life is. How easily one person can be taken away from you, and I'm completely afraid of that. The thought of losing one of my family members literally brings tears to my eyes, not because I want them there for me... It's because I need them, they are my drive, passion, reason for life. What control do we really have on life? I believe little to none, we rely on something called "hope". And that is rather uncertain, which I fear...

I maybe be thinking of all this at this time of the day because I'm leaving my family for school in a couple days, but what concerns me is will my family be safe. Touch wood, but I certainly hope so. Im given four days to cherish what I have back at home, and these hours seem to be passing me by. I wish I'd come to these thoughts sooner, but I have to work with what I'm dealt.

I can't say enough how much I care for my brother, mom, and dad. Literally in tears typing this because I can't ever think that something bad will happen. I love you guys so damn much... Thank you guys for giving up so much for me and thinking about me before yourself.

Goodnight

→ SUMMER TIME FINE? SUMMER TIME FINE

Enjoying my summer by spending nights with the homies sipping booze with the expected midnight Seniore's pizza run. Basically. Laughter, jokes, good company is what I'm all about.

Day camp was smooth, enjoyed the smiles of every kid that had enough energy to run across the states. Everyday I came in welcomed by a scream or slap on the butt. Yup, these kids were insane (the nice kind). And everyday I'd end up exhausted but satisfied. I look forward year after year to working with kids because I know I'll be in this little happy world which takes cares of the reality of the real world. Not a day during this camp I can say that it was a waste of a day. Despite the imperfections of my life or the camp itself, those imperfections are overshadowed by the joy the kids feel. That is why I do this. 

This summer will be the longest summer I'll experience and I might say that it has been relaxing and enjoyable. 

SoCal is coming up in 4 days, which hasn't processed in my head just yet. I can not wait to spend a week in the hot weather with people who have stuck by me throughout my absence during the school year. Our agenda is packed and things have come through smoothly for us to just enjoy this one week of vacation.

Though it seems this trip is nothing but smiles, I can't ignore that the fact that I won't be coming into SoCal totally satisfied. This is so because things with you have gone downhill and seemed to hit the bottom. I wish the effort was there, I do wish you'd tell me you saved a day for me when I'm down there. But that's wishful thinking, I know I'm not your priority and things for us.... if there is a "us" anymore isn't where we wanted it to be. You know the dates I'm coming, so it's your decision to take work off or just go on with how things are. I'm perfectly fine with everything going on, I've just accepted how you view things but sometimes all I ask for is effort.