→ MP

As a kid I've always been TAUGHT to fight and work hard for the things I want. But I also have LEARNED along the way to not put out the effort when the benefits aren't to my gain. More specifically in relationships. I have been in two relationships in the past where I'd put more than 100% into the relationship but this exact effort was not shown on the other end. I personally believe I was not cared for, and this may be the reason I shy myself away from really getting into something serious with a girl. 

Now I'm in a situation where I'm stuck between going with what I've been taught or what I've learned. Do I put my pride aside and do everything to make this work OR do I learn from my past and take a step back. I think I've always fought for the person I enjoyed being with because I cared. When I invest in someone, I take pride in investing the whole way rather than half-assing it. So it'll be new to step back and wait for the other to show me she's worth, but change is never a bad thing.

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do because of the things you have said to me, I want things to work out. But you've seem to have given up so easily when things get a little rocky and that's just not very convincing...

→ BACK

Hello again, we meet once again.

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I'm glad I'm here typing my thoughts out. Things in life have been in a  constant move. I would say I'm busy, but I know people have it worse. I've been boggling thoughts of summer events, future school plans, while maintaining my grades.

Getting rejected to the two schools that were on top of my list felt terrible, my heart dropped once I placed my eyes on the word "DECLINE" in size 72 big bold letters, well.. at least in my eyes. Visiting the school's site every hour to hope that I'd see my hard work in community college pay out did not happen. I thought I had everything in control, I knew where I wanted to go, I knew what I wanted to get into. I just needed to get into SDSU, but that was not the case. I did not budge once after reading that one word, my heart dropped more than one time that hour. I'd realize that I would not be attending the school I had my eyes on and it'd hit me all over again. 

My mind was all over the place: What would I do now? Stay another year? How about budget cuts, would it be harder to get in next year? Would I wait on other schools, settle for less than what I had wanted? How would my parents feel, did I fail them? Did I not work hard enough? Could I really take another year of community college? Did I set too high of an expectation for myself? Did I take too many classes, should I have taken my time? Why did I take useless classes? Would I get in if I appeal? Damn...... Why?

I was just so overwhelmed and feelings of regret came upon me. There were more questions than answers at this point and I couldn't feel happy. I was unstable. My second favored school rejected me and I was crushed, I had to deal with this.

My parents knew I was eager to get in San Diego State, but through it all they stayed supportive. The two people who pushed me to do well in school saw me fail. They told me it was okay. Their support helped me get over it but it didn't satisfy my need my want my desire to make them proud. I was frustrated.

In the end of all the questioning and searching, things panned out. I got accepted into Cal Poly Pomona which I researched to be a premier school for Hospitality Management ranked next to UNLV as well as Cornell. I couldn't be more happy to find a better school for my major. 

Now I am currently planning to visit the school and finally make my decision. Planning my trip to SoCal was exciting and I can't wait to go down to visit the school and enjoy my time there.

I want to succeed, badly.

→ LATELY

Lately, lately, I haven't been in the best mood. You could say I've felt tired and just uncertain about things. And this "thing", I don't even know what it is.

Schools been forcing me to work my ass off, but the Thanksgiving break put me in a sluggish mood which I'm currently fighting off. I can't and won't fall short of my goal so I keep telling myself to go on...

I've been so caught up with thinking about how my life is going right now, and honestly, I'm feeling lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I have plenty of friends and family by my side, so I'm surrounded with great people. But I guess lonely, as in not having someone special for me to share my: everyday thoughts/feelings, not so humorous jokes, up and down emotions, and pointless stories with. It's been awhile since I've had a girlfriend and this feeling has came and gone, so this might be a temporary thought but it's bothering me enough to spill it all here. I don't believe I want a girlfriend, because I'd sound oh so desperate, but I do know I want to feel loved and cherished. I think those are the two things I haven't felt from the two girls I have been with. I haven't experienced a whole relationship to know what it feels like and am very much looking forward to it. I believe it has to do a lot with me, I'm really picky. But why wouldn't you be picky with the person you date? Maybe I'm overly picky. For now, I'd be glad if I could find someone who I can connect with...

I found something out about myself, no, I realized something about myself. I'm a very reserved and passive person in some sort. I've met a friend this year at Skyline, and he's showed me through his actions how easy going he was with people. Out of no where, he'd compliment a guy or spark a conversation with a girl. I think I'd be able to do this if it was an old lady, but I definitely couldn't grow a pair and start talking to a girl I thought was pretty. I'm just not capable of it, I tell people I'm shy, but maybe I'm not shy, I'm just so use to being reserved that I'm constantly not taking the chance to actually make something happen. The thought of failure comes to mind, rejection. Could I really handle it? So I just give up and say hell with it, why bother. That thought process is in my head, I could never ask a girl for her number, I could never dance with a girl at a club (despite my oh so talented dance skills, haha kidding...), I could never approach a girl... Something is wrong with me, I think I need to live life a little, but it's not as easy for me.

Adding onto these mindless thoughts, my body has been working against me this whole week making me feel crappier than usual. I got pimples, my lower back felt uneasy, I started to get a sore throat, a canker sore, one night my butt felt really sore, and most recently moving my neck around has caused pain in my chest and upper back. How amazing.

→ LONG HAUL

And you start to see the people who you know undoubtedly will be right beside you in the next decade. Those who know that I, myself, is busy pursuing my goal to succeed, but willing to accept the fact that I won't be able to pay them attention. These people I want to thank for the support and understanding. Friendships really do come and go, but those that don't, are really the ones you'd like to thank once in awhile.

Growing up I'm starting to see the people who I want to keep and those who I want to keep my distance from. No disrespect but the fact that I don't prioritize partying or drugs anymore, I start to separate myself from people that might distract me from reaching my true potential. I understand at my age it's a period to party and have fun, but I always find myself thinking about the long run, the long haul, and what I want to achieve. These thoughts motivate me to keep pushing. I'm happy I have a drive, without determination and a goal, life wouldn't have any substance to it.

I constantly ask myself, what am I living for? What am I doing? I hate realizing that sometimes I'm answering myself with "I don't know". Very soon I will know my EXACT purpose and be content with life.

→ IF I DIE YOUNG

(blog to come; studying as of now. Panicking, stressing, breathing. Last part was essential, let's see how tmrw goes)