Lately, lately, I haven't been in the best mood. You could say I've felt tired and just uncertain about things. And this "thing", I don't even know what it is.
Schools been forcing me to work my ass off, but the Thanksgiving break put me in a sluggish mood which I'm currently fighting off. I can't and won't fall short of my goal so I keep telling myself to go on...
I've been so caught up with thinking about how my life is going right now, and honestly, I'm feeling lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I have plenty of friends and family by my side, so I'm surrounded with great people. But I guess lonely, as in not having someone special for me to share my: everyday thoughts/feelings, not so humorous jokes, up and down emotions, and pointless stories with. It's been awhile since I've had a girlfriend and this feeling has came and gone, so this might be a temporary thought but it's bothering me enough to spill it all here. I don't believe I want a girlfriend, because I'd sound oh so desperate, but I do know I want to feel loved and cherished. I think those are the two things I haven't felt from the two girls I have been with. I haven't experienced a whole relationship to know what it feels like and am very much looking forward to it. I believe it has to do a lot with me, I'm really picky. But why wouldn't you be picky with the person you date? Maybe I'm overly picky. For now, I'd be glad if I could find someone who I can connect with...
I found something out about myself, no, I realized something about myself. I'm a very reserved and passive person in some sort. I've met a friend this year at Skyline, and he's showed me through his actions how easy going he was with people. Out of no where, he'd compliment a guy or spark a conversation with a girl. I think I'd be able to do this if it was an old lady, but I definitely couldn't grow a pair and start talking to a girl I thought was pretty. I'm just not capable of it, I tell people I'm shy, but maybe I'm not shy, I'm just so use to being reserved that I'm constantly not taking the chance to actually make something happen. The thought of failure comes to mind, rejection. Could I really handle it? So I just give up and say hell with it, why bother. That thought process is in my head, I could never ask a girl for her number, I could never dance with a girl at a club (despite my oh so talented dance skills, haha kidding...), I could never approach a girl... Something is wrong with me, I think I need to live life a little, but it's not as easy for me.
Adding onto these mindless thoughts, my body has been working against me this whole week making me feel crappier than usual. I got pimples, my lower back felt uneasy, I started to get a sore throat, a canker sore, one night my butt felt really sore, and most recently moving my neck around has caused pain in my chest and upper back. How amazing.
