Lately, lately, I haven't been in the best mood. You could say I've felt tired and just uncertain about things. And this "thing", I don't even know what it is.
Schools been forcing me to work my ass off, but the Thanksgiving break put me in a sluggish mood which I'm currently fighting off. I can't and won't fall short of my goal so I keep telling myself to go on...
I've been so caught up with thinking about how my life is going right now, and honestly, I'm feeling lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I have plenty of friends and family by my side, so I'm surrounded with great people. But I guess lonely, as in not having someone special for me to share my: everyday thoughts/feelings, not so humorous jokes, up and down emotions, and pointless stories with. It's been awhile since I've had a girlfriend and this feeling has came and gone, so this might be a temporary thought but it's bothering me enough to spill it all here. I don't believe I want a girlfriend, because I'd sound oh so desperate, but I do know I want to feel loved and cherished. I think those are the two things I haven't felt from the two girls I have been with. I haven't experienced a whole relationship to know what it feels like and am very much looking forward to it. I believe it has to do a lot with me, I'm really picky. But why wouldn't you be picky with the person you date? Maybe I'm overly picky. For now, I'd be glad if I could find someone who I can connect with...
I found something out about myself, no, I realized something about myself. I'm a very reserved and passive person in some sort. I've met a friend this year at Skyline, and he's showed me through his actions how easy going he was with people. Out of no where, he'd compliment a guy or spark a conversation with a girl. I think I'd be able to do this if it was an old lady, but I definitely couldn't grow a pair and start talking to a girl I thought was pretty. I'm just not capable of it, I tell people I'm shy, but maybe I'm not shy, I'm just so use to being reserved that I'm constantly not taking the chance to actually make something happen. The thought of failure comes to mind, rejection. Could I really handle it? So I just give up and say hell with it, why bother. That thought process is in my head, I could never ask a girl for her number, I could never dance with a girl at a club (despite my oh so talented dance skills, haha kidding...), I could never approach a girl... Something is wrong with me, I think I need to live life a little, but it's not as easy for me.
Adding onto these mindless thoughts, my body has been working against me this whole week making me feel crappier than usual. I got pimples, my lower back felt uneasy, I started to get a sore throat, a canker sore, one night my butt felt really sore, and most recently moving my neck around has caused pain in my chest and upper back. How amazing.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
→ LONG HAUL
And you start to see the people who you know undoubtedly will be right beside you in the next decade. Those who know that I, myself, is busy pursuing my goal to succeed, but willing to accept the fact that I won't be able to pay them attention. These people I want to thank for the support and understanding. Friendships really do come and go, but those that don't, are really the ones you'd like to thank once in awhile.
Growing up I'm starting to see the people who I want to keep and those who I want to keep my distance from. No disrespect but the fact that I don't prioritize partying or drugs anymore, I start to separate myself from people that might distract me from reaching my true potential. I understand at my age it's a period to party and have fun, but I always find myself thinking about the long run, the long haul, and what I want to achieve. These thoughts motivate me to keep pushing. I'm happy I have a drive, without determination and a goal, life wouldn't have any substance to it.
I constantly ask myself, what am I living for? What am I doing? I hate realizing that sometimes I'm answering myself with "I don't know". Very soon I will know my EXACT purpose and be content with life.
Growing up I'm starting to see the people who I want to keep and those who I want to keep my distance from. No disrespect but the fact that I don't prioritize partying or drugs anymore, I start to separate myself from people that might distract me from reaching my true potential. I understand at my age it's a period to party and have fun, but I always find myself thinking about the long run, the long haul, and what I want to achieve. These thoughts motivate me to keep pushing. I'm happy I have a drive, without determination and a goal, life wouldn't have any substance to it.
I constantly ask myself, what am I living for? What am I doing? I hate realizing that sometimes I'm answering myself with "I don't know". Very soon I will know my EXACT purpose and be content with life.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
→ IF I DIE YOUNG
(blog to come; studying as of now. Panicking, stressing, breathing. Last part was essential, let's see how tmrw goes)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
→ PAST/PRESENT
Coming out of highschool I had a goal that would set my standards high. I knew to meet this goal I'd have to work hard and try in school. My initial goal was to get into UCI, but now that I understand what I want to do, it has changed to SDSU.
Now I'm here studying in the AMs every night trying to get material down for Accounting and Precalc, as well as writing essays for English. I find myself focusing on school work more than anything right now, it's become a habit, a very good habit. I believe this habit is what it takes to succeed, to really buckle down and do work.
Before, when I was in high school I'd come home and simply waste my night with watching TV or the computer. Not once would I even have a thought for schoolwork since, I simply did not care. My mom would see this and tell me to do my homework, it became natural for me to tell her I didn't have any. As would any Asian parent say, she told me to "Study" I would grunt and just walk away. If I wouldn't do homework, I definitely was not going to study..
Things changed, a new me arrived. And now that I'm up every night studying, my mom tells me to work on it tomorrow or to sleep. It's ironic, well not ironic, it's just funny to see how things has changed and flipped. All I do is complain about how much work I have, and really, it's not thaaat much I'm sure compared to States/Universities, but it's enough to make me stressed.
I just hope all this pays off, and prepares me for the future.
Keep striving to what you believe is good for you, let nothing hinder your progress. Enjoy and progress in life.
Now I'm here studying in the AMs every night trying to get material down for Accounting and Precalc, as well as writing essays for English. I find myself focusing on school work more than anything right now, it's become a habit, a very good habit. I believe this habit is what it takes to succeed, to really buckle down and do work.
Before, when I was in high school I'd come home and simply waste my night with watching TV or the computer. Not once would I even have a thought for schoolwork since, I simply did not care. My mom would see this and tell me to do my homework, it became natural for me to tell her I didn't have any. As would any Asian parent say, she told me to "Study" I would grunt and just walk away. If I wouldn't do homework, I definitely was not going to study..
Things changed, a new me arrived. And now that I'm up every night studying, my mom tells me to work on it tomorrow or to sleep. It's ironic, well not ironic, it's just funny to see how things has changed and flipped. All I do is complain about how much work I have, and really, it's not thaaat much I'm sure compared to States/Universities, but it's enough to make me stressed.
I just hope all this pays off, and prepares me for the future.
Keep striving to what you believe is good for you, let nothing hinder your progress. Enjoy and progress in life.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
→ DEATH
Death. Death is something I am afraid of. Death I could not explain very much about. This topic actually came from a tumblr post about a teenage girl dying from a car accident. I searched her up and saw a couple YouTube videos of how awesome of a girl she was, though amateur videos, they had a good cause and very much touched the viewers.
I realize myself, I have not gone through the pain of knowing someone dearly to me passing away. Occasional thoughts of one of my family members leaving brings me to tears. The actual occurrence of this will devastate me and I'm just not sure how I will handle it. Death is inevitable and I believe one can not prepare for the emotional distraught it brings when a love one leaves. I fear the pain that comes along it and I can't imagine how broken down I'd be. I guess I've been blessed to not have someone close to me pass away, but when the time comes, what will I do? What is there to do?
This thought urges me to cherish the people I have around, but there's so much a person can do. There is never enough to say to a person, to make sure you have said all of the right last words. Death is so sudden, if you think about it, it can happen at any moment and that's the scary thing. Nobody can prevent death, in a sense, death controls us. My Christian side of me would say God takes care of anything, but at times, I question and I lose faith in what really is true. I just hope I don't lose complete faith in my Creator.
Especially in this generation, our world is filled with evil. There are people who are completely messed up in the head whom value nothing. These are the people who I fear, those who have no morals, no purpose, and who don't value life. To whoever may stumbled upon this place, I urge you to keep peace and love one another, do something nice, who knows what a smile, greeting, compliment can do....
"And I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me,Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go ,Lord, You never let go of me"
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
I realize myself, I have not gone through the pain of knowing someone dearly to me passing away. Occasional thoughts of one of my family members leaving brings me to tears. The actual occurrence of this will devastate me and I'm just not sure how I will handle it. Death is inevitable and I believe one can not prepare for the emotional distraught it brings when a love one leaves. I fear the pain that comes along it and I can't imagine how broken down I'd be. I guess I've been blessed to not have someone close to me pass away, but when the time comes, what will I do? What is there to do?
This thought urges me to cherish the people I have around, but there's so much a person can do. There is never enough to say to a person, to make sure you have said all of the right last words. Death is so sudden, if you think about it, it can happen at any moment and that's the scary thing. Nobody can prevent death, in a sense, death controls us. My Christian side of me would say God takes care of anything, but at times, I question and I lose faith in what really is true. I just hope I don't lose complete faith in my Creator.
Especially in this generation, our world is filled with evil. There are people who are completely messed up in the head whom value nothing. These are the people who I fear, those who have no morals, no purpose, and who don't value life. To whoever may stumbled upon this place, I urge you to keep peace and love one another, do something nice, who knows what a smile, greeting, compliment can do....
"And I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me,Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go ,Lord, You never let go of me"
Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
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