→ LATELY

Lately, lately, I haven't been in the best mood. You could say I've felt tired and just uncertain about things. And this "thing", I don't even know what it is.

Schools been forcing me to work my ass off, but the Thanksgiving break put me in a sluggish mood which I'm currently fighting off. I can't and won't fall short of my goal so I keep telling myself to go on...

I've been so caught up with thinking about how my life is going right now, and honestly, I'm feeling lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I have plenty of friends and family by my side, so I'm surrounded with great people. But I guess lonely, as in not having someone special for me to share my: everyday thoughts/feelings, not so humorous jokes, up and down emotions, and pointless stories with. It's been awhile since I've had a girlfriend and this feeling has came and gone, so this might be a temporary thought but it's bothering me enough to spill it all here. I don't believe I want a girlfriend, because I'd sound oh so desperate, but I do know I want to feel loved and cherished. I think those are the two things I haven't felt from the two girls I have been with. I haven't experienced a whole relationship to know what it feels like and am very much looking forward to it. I believe it has to do a lot with me, I'm really picky. But why wouldn't you be picky with the person you date? Maybe I'm overly picky. For now, I'd be glad if I could find someone who I can connect with...

I found something out about myself, no, I realized something about myself. I'm a very reserved and passive person in some sort. I've met a friend this year at Skyline, and he's showed me through his actions how easy going he was with people. Out of no where, he'd compliment a guy or spark a conversation with a girl. I think I'd be able to do this if it was an old lady, but I definitely couldn't grow a pair and start talking to a girl I thought was pretty. I'm just not capable of it, I tell people I'm shy, but maybe I'm not shy, I'm just so use to being reserved that I'm constantly not taking the chance to actually make something happen. The thought of failure comes to mind, rejection. Could I really handle it? So I just give up and say hell with it, why bother. That thought process is in my head, I could never ask a girl for her number, I could never dance with a girl at a club (despite my oh so talented dance skills, haha kidding...), I could never approach a girl... Something is wrong with me, I think I need to live life a little, but it's not as easy for me.

Adding onto these mindless thoughts, my body has been working against me this whole week making me feel crappier than usual. I got pimples, my lower back felt uneasy, I started to get a sore throat, a canker sore, one night my butt felt really sore, and most recently moving my neck around has caused pain in my chest and upper back. How amazing.

→ LONG HAUL

And you start to see the people who you know undoubtedly will be right beside you in the next decade. Those who know that I, myself, is busy pursuing my goal to succeed, but willing to accept the fact that I won't be able to pay them attention. These people I want to thank for the support and understanding. Friendships really do come and go, but those that don't, are really the ones you'd like to thank once in awhile.

Growing up I'm starting to see the people who I want to keep and those who I want to keep my distance from. No disrespect but the fact that I don't prioritize partying or drugs anymore, I start to separate myself from people that might distract me from reaching my true potential. I understand at my age it's a period to party and have fun, but I always find myself thinking about the long run, the long haul, and what I want to achieve. These thoughts motivate me to keep pushing. I'm happy I have a drive, without determination and a goal, life wouldn't have any substance to it.

I constantly ask myself, what am I living for? What am I doing? I hate realizing that sometimes I'm answering myself with "I don't know". Very soon I will know my EXACT purpose and be content with life.

→ IF I DIE YOUNG

(blog to come; studying as of now. Panicking, stressing, breathing. Last part was essential, let's see how tmrw goes)

→ PAST/PRESENT

Coming out of highschool I had a goal that would set my standards high. I knew to meet this goal I'd have to work hard and try in school. My initial goal was to get into UCI, but now that I understand what I want to do, it has changed to SDSU.

Now I'm here studying in the AMs every night trying to get material down for Accounting and Precalc, as well as writing essays for English. I find myself focusing on school work more than anything right now, it's become a habit, a very good habit. I believe this habit is what it takes to succeed, to really buckle down and do work.

Before, when I was in high school I'd come home and simply waste my night with watching TV or the computer. Not once would I even have a thought for schoolwork since, I simply did not care. My mom would see this and tell me to do my homework, it became natural for me to tell her I didn't have any. As would any Asian parent say, she told me to "Study" I would grunt and just walk away. If I wouldn't do homework, I definitely was not going to study..

Things changed, a new me arrived. And now that I'm up every night studying, my mom tells me to work on it tomorrow or to sleep. It's ironic, well not ironic, it's just funny to see how things has changed and flipped. All I do is complain about how much work I have, and really, it's not thaaat much I'm sure compared to States/Universities, but it's enough to make me stressed.

I just hope all this pays off, and prepares me for the future.

Keep striving to what you believe is good for you, let nothing hinder your progress. Enjoy and progress in life.

→ DEATH

Death. Death is something I am afraid of. Death I could not explain very much about. This topic actually came from a tumblr post about a teenage girl dying from a car accident. I searched her up and saw a couple YouTube videos of how awesome of a girl she was, though amateur videos, they had a good cause and very much touched the viewers.

I realize myself, I have not gone through the pain of knowing someone dearly to me passing away. Occasional thoughts of one of my family members leaving brings me to tears. The actual occurrence of this will devastate me and I'm just not sure how I will handle it. Death is inevitable and I believe one can not prepare for the emotional distraught it brings when a love one leaves. I fear the pain that comes along it and I can't imagine how broken down I'd be. I guess I've been blessed to not have someone close to me pass away, but when the time comes, what will I do? What is there to do?

This thought urges me to cherish the people I have around, but there's so much a person can do. There is never enough to say to a person, to make sure you have said all of the right last words. Death is so sudden, if you think about it, it can happen at any moment and that's the scary thing. Nobody can prevent death, in a sense, death controls us. My Christian side of me would say God takes care of anything, but at times, I question and I lose faith in what really is true. I just hope I don't lose complete faith in my Creator.

Especially in this generation, our world is filled with evil. There are people who are completely messed up in the head whom value nothing. These are the people who I fear, those who have no morals, no purpose, and who don't value life. To whoever may stumbled upon this place, I urge you to keep peace and love one another, do something nice, who knows what a smile, greeting, compliment can do....






"And I will fear no evil, For my God is with me, And if my God is with me,Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go, Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, In every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go ,Lord, You never let go of me"

Matt Redman - You Never Let Go 

→ BOY MEETS WORLD

 

Been watching Boy Meets World for the past couple weeks on YouTube and reliving such a great part of my childhood. Re-watching it, I'm now aware of the morals and values that are taught in almost every single episodes; whether it is friendship, respect, or simply to keep striving to be your absolute best. Each character plays a significant roll in the show: Mr. Fuhh fuhh FEENY not only is a teacher but a life mentor, Shawn being a trouble maker but still a genuine best friend, and Topanga an example of true love. The show relates ourselves to Cory, who is a average kid just like me and you, who goes through obstacles which knocks him down. But he is not alone, alongside Cory is his family and friends every step of the way. And can I just say? Cory's parents (especially the father) are examples of good parenting. I enjoy every bit of this show because it's just a classic, you enjoy and laugh, but you still realize how important school, friends, and life is. We don't see many shows in this generation that venture out to teach viewers how to respect people or go walk down the right path, it's all about ratings now. There's so much to say, but basically... I am in love with Boy Meets World!

→ WINDING DOWN

Deadline for the TAG program is coming down, and these past few days, I've been finding a lot of information that isn't making my chances of transferring out likely...

Problem 1... Heard you have to fulfill all your major pre-reqs by Spring 2012; but in my case I have to take Calc 2 in the Summer 2012 

Problem 2... I totaled at 26 credits by Summer 2011, but the requirement is 30. I didn't know Trig wasn't UC transferable. Although I am capable of getting 60 credits by the end of Spring 2012

Problem 3... There aren't much Business Administration majors for UC's, only Riverside and Irvine have this exact major, I'm now looking at Business Economics... But I really determined to get into UCI for Business Administration

Problem 4... Something I'm really not proud of, my UC transferable classes accumulative grade is a 2.96, sigh.

Problem 5... I'm hoping I can transfer out regularly if I'm not eligible for TAG, time to strive harder than ever.

And what frustrates me the most is that my counselor said everything would be fine, and that I'm doing just fine. I have an appointment with him in two days, and the application is due on the 30th. I hope everything is settled by my appointment so I can really see what my future holds. It's so hard to deal with this, I feel lost and confused, and I wish I wasn't...

This is my life, my future, and not having total assurance on something so important isn't the best feeling and is completely bothering me. What can I do, who can I turn to. Whoever I talk to won't solve my problems, so as of now, I'm counting on myself to get things done...

I want to breathe..

→ FRUSTRATION

Here's my rant, prepare for my annoying complaints... To whoever reading, you can stop here.

Where to start, I guess, with what is occupying the majority of my life: School. My everyday routine consists of hours of school, and hours of school work which totals at A LOT OF hours.. I've zeroed in on my goals, and I'm determined to finish Skyline in exactly 2 years total. One big wall is stopping, and this "wall" is the transfer program (TAG) that pretty much guarantees me a spot in the UC I desire. BUT, the TAG program changed their rules which says a person can only tag onto one school (previous years, as many as you wanted) AND most of all, UCI excluded my major. So now I'm totally frustrated with what my future beholds, and things are just complicated.... The only thing I can do is, do even better in school so I can apply to UCI without tag and get in....

I became anti-social with focusing on my school work, but if you see my goals and where I'm headed, you should understand.

Other than school, nothings been up. Doing my own things here and there, but I'm satisfied. Simple person, living in a simple life. Not much to explain. Boring to you? Possibly, to me? Nope.

→ FOUR BROTHERS

4 Brothers… Despite the different lives we live and the age difference, we still honestly care and love each other no matter what comes our way. The past was the best, but even though we aren’t together everyday like how it was before, the time we do spend with each other brings us back like nothing has changed. I love these guys so much, and they’ve been in my life for a majority of it. (Dfang since ‘98 / Steez since ‘01 / Midget since ‘05) The time, how long they’ve been there for me isn’t even something I’m proud of, it’s the impact that they’ve had on me.

These are my childhood buddies, and it’s gratifying to know it’s not merely that.. there is more to it, there are MORE memories to come.. Growing up, I was always the youngest and I would just remember admiring these brothers of mine. Sometimes for the wrong reason, but hey, they were cool to me. I remember being in the shoe hype with them, co jps, “jays” and going down to DT just for the heck of it. I remember just causing trouble during whatever fellowship or retreat we had, or to lounge around during those events excluding everyone else because we were simply having fun needing no interruptions. I remember going over to Steez house to play Counter Strike, awp map every 5 deaths. Then we all were in the same HS, me as a freshmen, stanley as a soph, donald as a junior, and erick who was hardly around as a senior. A whole family at school, I felt secured with them.

4Brothers <3

→ SELFLESS

The last post actually sparked this next post. As the title says, "Selfless", I really enjoy this word. Why? Because it's such an amazing trait a person can have. I believe a person to be selfless is admirable, how does a person worry/think about things or people around them before themselves? Is it possible? I believe so but very hard to actually be. I don't think being selfless is an act, it's lifestyle, that's how you are. And if you think about it, who in your life is selfless? Are you selfless? I truly do not believe I am selfless, I believe I am selfish. In life it's human to want the best, to make money for yourself, have the best food in your plate, simply gratify your own self. But these people who are genuinely selfless, look out for other peoples need before their own, we need more of these people in this world.


If I can possibly attain this when I grow up, I believe it's an necessary quality when I have a family of my own. I hope to subconsciously look for my kid/wife/friends needs before mine, whether it be money, food, or time... I want to put my loved ones first.

To six people who truly I believe put other peoples need before others is my parents, my brother, Allan Tong, David Zhu, and Erick Chang. Some of the most important people in my life, are always thinking of others and just caring. I love you all...

→ POST SDC UPDATE

Some ask me what am I doing lately? I just tell them "Man, I'm just chilling, sleeping in and whenever I get the chance to, I chill some more" These past few weeks after Day Camp, I thought I'd feel a little more relaxed but it doesn't seem to be the case when you're looking at midterms and papers to do for school every night/day. Basically I wake up to read or work on papers for class, then school itself, then to come home to a nice microwaved dinner.

I can not wait until the end of August 4th, that's if you couldn't guess the last day of night school and I have about 2 weeks to spend before the Fall 2011 semester starts. Not much of a summer, but I can't complain since I put it upon myself to transfer in one more year.

Planning a Santa Cruz trip with some friends, and hopefully this will be a time where I can truly breathe and enjoy what is in front of me. Good company and what I hope to be beautiful weather.

Who I definitely thinks deserves a mention, is my parents. I honestly don't show as much appreciation as they deserve.. My mom this summer has dealt with my easily irritated self, but never gave up or just stopped. She's prepared lunch and dinner for me basically every day of the summer and I barely see her. The time I do see her, she's heating up my food or I'm being a total brat and giving her attitude. Although I'm tired, it's easily forgotten that my parents also woke up at 7am to work 9 hours, so I think the whole world revolves around me. I just want to thank God for blessing me with such great, caring, selfless parents.

Thank you.

→ PAST MUSIC SET 5

   XV - When We're Done
   Hoodie Allen - So Much Closer (feat. Rocky Busininess)

→ SOON TO END, ALL SMILES

Tomorrow is the LAST day of 2011 Re:New Day Camp, and I really can't put into words how fast this camp went by. I'm really going to miss my cute kids, the fun-filled counselors, the great atmosphere, and most of all just being in a big family. It's funny, if you were a stranger walking into our day camp during worship, you'd see everyone go crazy for their group "GUMMIE BEARS! SKITTLES! AIRHEADS! STARBURSTS!" as if we were in a war or something. But totally opposite, we're all part of a family, a family where people truly care about each other. I think this is what I loved about SDC this year, I felt wanted, belonged, and just.... happy. You walk in tired as hell at 8am and everyone is there just sitting around doing morning devotion but, you have this feeling of, oh we're in this together, we're happy doing this for God and the kids.

The aura everyday is just magnificent, you see counselors in a rush to print out math worksheets, freaking out over the weather/activity, finding missing items just so everything can be PERFECT. You wonder, how can all this chaos be magnificent? Don't you see? All this panicking is to make things run smoothly for the kids, realizing that you have a group of counselors so highly devoted in their activities or classes trying to make the best out of things is wonderful. Being overwhelmed but succeeding in the end describes this camp very well. Things can be an utter mess in the beginning but sticking it through and seeing the wonderful smiles on our kids faces after a day in the park, or Chuck E Cheese, or just arts & craft is worth it.

It's sad for me to come to this realization this late in the camp, I wish I would have cherished my kids and counselors earlier.. but better late than never right? What opened up my eyes was the Counselor Swap day that put me in a position at Hope that helped me in the long run. I was put into a group called the Cheerios which were K-2nd as well, but couple things that differed was the counselors and the lack of discipline. Counselors lacked experience and discipline themselves, the kids were crazy at the wrong time. I guess it was just frustrating to see how.... let's see if I can put this nicely... nope! how.. BAD everything was going. It made me appreciate my kids, my counselors. When I saw them after in a meeting, I had so much to say, I wanted to hear so much about their day... It really opened up my eyes, they came up to me and said "RYAN! You have no idea how happy I am to see you" And... DAMN, it was from KB (a guy) and I just felt soo good! I don't know, I guess I'm just enjoying my group so much more after that day. It's a family for us, our own little family. We have group bonding on Saturday, and I can't wait to just summarize our experience. To just sit back and say "remember when..." "oh dude, when so and so did that!" It'll make me smile, BIG.

Not to get ahead of myself, but there still is Closing Ceremony tomorrow. And I'm so excited for it, it's definitely bittersweet since this is the time to say goodbye to your kids, as well as seeing an ending video... I hope to smile and tear, hug and get hugged, and just cherish what happened int he past 6 weeks and what is instored for the Gummies. I can't wait.

2011 Re:New Summer Day Camp, I'll miss everything about you..., you have been the highlight of my summer.

Loosely Photos:

→ SUMMER 2011

Haven't updated this blog in awhile, I've wanted to a couple times but actually writing things up wasn't in my best interest. But anyways.. Summer's been really busy and tiring, not what a normal summer is described as, but I'm definitely enjoying it!

I've been spending my time doing a day camp at my church I've been doing my whole life and Summer school at Skyline which I wouldn't think I'd be doing ever, haha. Schedule for SDC is roughly 8-445, then night school 530-9ish. Working with kids from grades K to 2nd gets a little exhausting. Teaching math in the morning to activities in the afternoon I hardly have enough energy to stay awake in class. BUT, I'm able to wake up every morning (not necessarily on time ;]) and repeat this tiring process! Where this all comes from? I'm thanking God for it. For the opportunity to work with such great people and kids, and be able to help myself as well.

I've dedicated my time and effort to this 6 week camp, RE:NEW SDC. It's a ton of fun and the kids are something else... Having so many stories to tell, I couldn't even start. It'd bother me that I include one story but not the other, so I wont. Just know that it's amazing and filled with laughter and smiles every single day. The group of counselors that I work with everyday are great, I swear there isn't a dull lunch time with them. I would remember having such a terrible day or being in the worst mood and the smile and laugh produced by these young ones can flip my day around just like that. The kids! I have some trouble ones which I learned to patiently work with, some quiet ones which spawned to new crazy animals and just some CRAZILY CUTE ones. Nicknames are a must for me, "Chels-ski, Bri, Hails-ley" Seeing these kids everyday does NOT get old, it's the 5th week and if it was possible I wouldn't mind another month! This camp went by too quick, just like the saying "at a blink of an eye" I felt like I didn't grasp the opportunity as much as I wanted to..  Nevertheless, I can not speak bad about my past weeks involving the adorable, wild, cute Gummie Bears. Of course this road wasn't paved off to be perfect but it didn't stop us or me to keep striving to make the best camp for the kids. There was a time where I was mad at how things were going, how the kids were acting, how the counselors failed to do things and wanted to just stop. But how could I stop? When this is my job, to help these kids grow up to know God and become a good person. What kept me going were the kids, after all, it is for them. I'll miss these gummies...

Yet, not really.. I believe I myself have received a lot from this. It's brought me closer to a lot people at church that I've strayed away in the past years.. Re-attained old friendship while building a stronger foundation with others. Although I do not feel that my relationship with God has really changed for the better, I do know that God has a plan for me. May not be the right time, but it'll come. And from the retreat before SDC, I said I'll wait and not force anything. I believe God may be working through people with me, it's in His hands, so I won't stress.

Pictures, and an edit will be done soon! I'm tired, and gotta wake up at 7 tmrw, so this is my farewell! for now.

Aidan, the silent shy boy whom evolved!

Jonathan, the other twin! Such a cutie...

Oh you know, Jeslyn just posing!

On the carousel with Brandon.. OUMMMMMM!

Nathan... the kid who taught me patience!

Cutie Chloe!

→ GSW/M8 RANT

Honestly, Mark Jackson coming in might not have been the best idea the Warriors could have made. I much rather see Lawrence Frank as the coach since he focuses on defense. Anyways, trade talks about M8 is storming Yahoo! headlines and I for one, despise it. I’m definitely a Monta lover/fan, he takes over the game and provides such a thorough game from jump shots, spectacular drive ins, steals, to down dirty hustle plays. I understand Monta takes bad shots at times and is an undersized two guard but you lose much more than that if he’s traded. I don’t see Ellis lacking defense, it’s size, he is an undersized two guard facing opponents such as Kobe and Dwade. Monta has matured into a leader and the team has embraced his leadership. The team chemistry is great and mixing the starting 5 could mess up the chem. I can’t imagine anyone else having the ball at crunch time and taking over the game besides Ellis, no one who we’re potentially looking at can take over the came like Monta.
I don’t believe the problem is Monta for the Warriors, it’s the 1. Coaching (which we sort of, hopefully, fixed) 2. The lack of a true center 3. A bench that can show up night in and night out. If we are able to pick up a decent center during this year’s draft (which doesn’t seem too likely) we could be a lot better. Couple weeks after the end of the season, I read an article on Biedrin’s building his confidence rather than basketball skills during the off season. Andris….. I had high hopes for a comeback last year, but he hasn’t shown up for me. If he can play like he did before his injury, we’d have a better shot at “something”.. Third, the bench: We need more depth in the rotation, I wouldn’t mind wiping off half the bench and picking up new players. I could live without a lot of them due to their lack of consistency and just straight up scrub-ness. I don’t wholesomely blame the bench players for their inconsistency, Keith Smart was blind and could not utilize his players. Our starters player 40+ minutes throughout the whole season when Smart could have played our bench. Smart put out line ups where no offense could possibly be ran, we looked bad. No disrespect, I think Smart was a great and genuine guy but not a great Head Coach.
With that said, I’m hoping for roster changes in our bench and the center position. The Iggy for Monta trade is fair, but I’m not a big fan of Iggy. His shot and offense isn’t consistent which means he will not be the primary guy to go to. His size and length will benefit us for defense but I much prefer Monta.
Excited for next season, let’s try to aim for playoffs… I just want the Warriors wearing the “WE BELIEVE” tee’s instead of Memphis.

→ RETREATING, RETREATED

Past few days I've been in Lake Tahoe with a group of counselors from my church's day camp that I'll be working for during the summer. This retreat came to me as a surprise since I found out last minute that I'll be leaving for 3 days to a cabin. With that said, I normally enjoy retreats but don't necessarily get anything from them (which is my fault since I don't follow through). Going into this retreat, I had no expectations except a delicious buffet and to joke around like I normally do. So I guess you can say with little expectation, my expectations were met and exceeded, I had a blast. The atmosphere was amazing, everyone was smiling and enjoying their getaway as much as possible...... TOGETHER. The chemistry of each group and the whole staff seemed to be clicking in different ways such as being serious with work/God but being able to crack jokes together. I learned how to play Monopoly Deal and did 3am pranks which were the reasons of being sleep deprived. 

I think more importantly were the conversations I had during this retreat. Yes, I laughed constantly but the conversations MADE the retreat for me. I contemplated a lot about my spiritual life and relationship with my Father. Struggling together, my brother Erick and I talked to each other about our perspectives on praying, reading the bible and temptations. Being so similar to each other, we shared similar outlooks and questions and felt the need to attain answers. Sadly we did not turn to God for answers, rather to someone who I feel is an angel sent by God to guide me and my life.... Allan. My mind was stuck on this question I had for myself which was "What happens when I doubt more than I trust?" And this question could possibly summarize my current spiritual life. I'm having more doubts then faith, it's not something I'm proud of but more of an obstacle I'm struggling with. I doubt myself with doing the "spiritual" ish as well as doubting the possibly of getting into heaven because of these such deeds. I came to Allan for answers and assistance, and our talk helped a lot. 

With my lifestyle and values, I didn't feel guilty because of what Allan said. I asked him was it wrong to not do the "church stuff" and told him the fact that even if I tried I'd probably wouldn't be able to do it. He told me it's not wrong and that God is not looking for deeds instead the key to heaven's gate revolves around the genuine relationship you have with God. I then thought, well I do feel I have a real relationship with God but maybe it's not genuine since if it was, I'd be WANTING to read the word and praying daily. So that was my problem but I knew I wouldn't be doing the "church stuff" since I had no motivation and just wasn't my priority. Every time I read the Bible I feel like I know the material already since I've been in church my whole life being spoon fed bible verses, parables, and ideas. So due to the repetitive scene I got tired and bored, but Allan helped me realize that I haven't really experienced anything. Ultimately he didn't force me to read the Bible but instead advised me to just relax and allow the time to come for me to experience Him. I felt at ease knowing God does not totally push me away despite the lifestyle I live, rather waits on me and when the time comes He'll embrace me. I wondered why Allan told me to just live life instead of pushing me to do something about my spiritual life if I realized that something was wrong. I came to the conclusion that if I really want a relationship with God, I'd pursue it myself; but to force a relationship with Him it wouldn't be sincere nor genuine. With that said, I guess all I can say is I won't be forcing something that's not there, I'll simply wait until the time comes.

→ AT

Approximately a week ago I received one of the most heart-warming emails I've ever got. I did not expect this at all but it was from one of the few people I can really call my best friend, Andrew. The email was great and addressed a lot of things that I took for granted like our friendship. He told be about his troubles and how glad he was to have me, and it was just amazing because it wasn't something I hear from him on the daily. I probably see him once every month or so but for him to still think we're as strong as before, helped ease my guilt for not really trying to keep up in his life. He told me I was his motivation for school, but in reality, he was my support/encouragement to do be studious and do well in school as we both told each other back in high school how hard we really must work to succeed. At this point in my life, I'm glad I have a friend I can really see being part of my wedding. I'm not quite sure how many people I can say this about; Yes I have a great group of friends but will they be there til my special day? I know he will. He reminded me... "Please know whatever you're pursuing in life, i'll be there as supportive motivation. I am content with our connection, definitely a brother like. No matter what we face in life, my intuitive way of looking at our relationship, simply; nothing will brake it. Thank you, man, thank you. " It's just amazing, I can't wait to see him every day of the summer.

→ REAL

And when you thought you knew someone you called a "close friend" everything seems to be questioned when you find out the lies that have been told. Being so genuine to the person and thinking the same realness was reciprocated wasn't the case, in fact, the other person has actually been keeping away more things than you thought. I've been pretty selective on the people I've "chose" to be close with and to find out that a person I trusted and cared for has been telling me things that weren't necessarily true, sucks. I've always been real to people, I have no idea why a close friend would feel the need to keep secrets and say something else. A stranger I'd be more understanding of. I understand a person isn't going to spill their whole life to me, but why lie or give me half of what I give you. I didn't know being genuine was such a hard thing to do, I guess I was blessed with that trait. What I'm asking for is.. Just be real to me, I don't need to hear some excuse lie, just give it to me as it is...

→ CAN I LIVE?

I can not wait until I'm able to transfer out of Skyline, more importantly, get out of the city. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the city of San Francisco and I can not see myself living anywhere else but I just need a change in environment. This change I hope for, will help me experience the world and just live life and learn.

In San Francisco, it's lovely; all my friends are here, I'm familiar with places, and I have a loving family, but the problem is (as bad as it sounds) they care way too much. I wouldn't want them to care any less but I'm living under so many restrictions where I feel like I can't enjoy myself without the thought of my mom worrying or being mad if I come home late. And when I say late, it not even that late... I understand my past wasn't the best but I've been doing so much better in numerous areas in my life that I feel they should understand enough to let me just go out. I've stopped smoking, I've been more than on top of my education and spending time with the family is a routine. I'm overall a decent child. Can I live?

Honestly, I'm not doing anything wrong and I simply want to be with my friends. There's nothing wrong with that, being around friends is a retreat from the school stress that comes along with expectations my parent set. I focus on school enough, I need time to ease out and just relax. I've come to mature and see things in different perspective. I understand that I'm still young, there's bad people out there, and that she's still on the fence about the whole marijuana issue but I'm strong willed with a level head so I know better. I know what's good for me and what I can handle, I'm alright Mom. I'm smart and determined to be successful but now, I just need to live a little, that's all I'm asking for..

I'm such a family oriented person, where I eat dinner with my family every night and have weekend brunches. I joke around all day with them, and the bond is there since it's pretty much us 4 that we have. Why is it that you can't let me do my thing for one night? You know I'm still the same person, and will pick family over anything. I'm not going to turn bad, I will be the same respectful person I've grown up to be. You've raised me wonderfully, but I think it's time for you to let go and just see how I'll do in life. I'm not even asking you to let go of me completely, I just need a little room to breathe. Can I live?

→ CHECK OFF

As the 2011 Spring Semester comes to an end, I'm stressing my a** off... I wasn't fully aware of how fast the semester came and gone, first day of class... then BAM, I'm thinking about Finals. My hands are going to be filled and breathing won't be as easy for the next month but I know for a fact I can do this. Research papers pose a problem for me, so I'm going to have to spend more time on them. With that and the million other assignments/tests I have, it feels that there is not sufficient time in a day... I can not wait until this is all over with, but summer won't be the easiest or chillest. I do hope it'll be filled with memories but my plans to do SDC and night summer school will occupy most of my time. Currently, I am overwhelmed with what I have ahead of me but as I check off this list, I hope my burden weighs less. This check off list isn't exaggerated nor is it all, just a jist of what I need to do. I'm looking forward to days where I can simply relax and lie down and breathe... I'm growing up, expectations and life seems to get more serious, so messing around isn't an option though I wish it was.

→ JAMIE ZHU

Jamie is such a cutie, I finally got to meet her. Took awhile since both parties were busy but I was so happy that day! It was only Stanley with her and I got a call later from Karen that it was the first time it was just Stanley and Jamie. She got freaked out because he missed her call, I found that soooo funny/cute. I'm so proud of both of them.. All that happened in the relationship, and in the end they're both happy, it's amazing. And more importantly blessed with an adorable healthy baby. She makes the cutest noise, and when I stood her up that was when she started smiling A LOT! But I couldn't take a picture since I had to hold her! Sall yellow though.. I can't wait to see her grow up, I'm definitely going to try to help them out in whatever way I can. Freaking family. One Love.

→ 419

you're consistent with your inconsistency..

→ PAST MUSIC SET 4

Jim Jones - Perfect Day ft. Juelz Satana
Lil Wayne - Something You Forgot

Kid CuDi - Dat New New
J. Cole - Getaway

→ 04/11/11

First day back from Spring Break I get overwhelmed with midterms, test, and research papers coming up faster than I thought.. Reading and studying is going to be a big part of me these next few weeks, and it's going to suck.

I had an appointment with my counselor Nate Navado @ 10:30, it was much needed... My head was filled with questions about school, the future, units, summer school, and scholarships. I procrastinated in scheduling this appointment but I'm glad I got to do it before it was too late. Anyways, I realized the likelihood of me transferring out in 2 years isn't too great. That was my goal but now it's disappointing.. I'm going to really try harder and pass/get all my classes in order to get out of Skyline asap. I might be able to get out in after Summer 2012, but that is if I'm still interested in the Business Management field.. I'm excited for next Fall's classes since I'll be close to finishing up my GE's and starting some of my major's pre-reqs.. Until then, I have to finish up what I have in front of me.

Worrying about the future is something I can't help but do, I'm not the best in anything so I worry about not succeeding... I want to live a life that is simple, I want a family, a nice simple house, 2 cars but without any problems and stress dealing with money. Money is the root of all evil, but it simply makes life easier... Well when you have it at least. I worry about not being able to get a decent job, I worry about not making enough money, I worry about not being able to support my future family, I worry about being in debt, I worry about not making my parents proud... Yes, money isn't everything, but it is something. And I would be fronting if I said it doesn't matter to me, in all honesty.. Money is something that I hate, but would love to have.

In this world we are working for satisfaction right? Or is it money... What are we getting an education for? In the end it's all about getting a good job for what? Money, money money. I feel like we are living for money, this is how our generation works. Everything around us is about money, riches, wealth, materialistic things... How can I not care about money? It's about happiness, and materialistic things is a big part of happiness, but what gets a nice car, a big house, brand name attire? It's money, money creates happiness... As bad as it seems, man, it's the truth. And without it, it's hard to be happy. This mindset I have is bad, I acknowledge that but if someone can teach me to believe in another outlook on happiness I'd be glad to listen. Our society is revolved around money, it's the center of attention, the more you have the better you seem to be in our world.

→ YES

Finally pulled the trigger to get these!

→

Honestly, how could you forget? It was an annual thing, and it was so important... to me at least. Questioning so much now.

→ APPRECIATION

(picture from 09')

My brother Erick Chang, this amazing person is the only person who truly understands what's going on in my life right now. Our situation seems to be near identical and talking to him, everything seems to just click. Thank you for all the motivation texts, and all the talks.. I can always count on you, you are the person that I know will have my back and that really cares. Though I have never expressed these thoughts with you, I truly feel that you are a funny, wonderful, and thoughtful person. You've made things so much easier for me, and I'm glad we've gotten closer throughout the years we've known each other. I can't express the gratitude I have towards you my brother... Just, thank you.


Also, my "go to buddy"... I'm glad you're not annoyed with all my problems, thanks so much for being the person I can vent to. We've grown to know each other pretty darn well, and I hope you know I do cherish our friendship a lot. Although there are periodic breaks, I'm glad we both can update each other and feel like nothing happened. And all the jokes I make, I don't mean them! Kind of ish... =)

→ 3/31

Happy Birthday to my lovely Mom! This women is someone I care for so much. I admit I do not appreciate and cherish as much as I should, but I know for a fact she knows I love her. I can say she's the most important person in my life, after all she did bring me into this world. Making her happy is something I will always try my best to do. She cares for me like no other and the way I respond when I'm irritated or mad haunts me at times. She deserves none of that, and at the same time she takes it all in and still loves me unconditionally. If anything happened to her, I'd be a complete wreck... But there's no need to bring such negative thoughts into this. If I find a girl even close to my mom, I'd be set. I hope in the near future I can make her more proud, I felt like I haven't lived up to her expectations.. And until that day, I will keep striving to make my mom happy. I guess.. I just.. wanted to say Happy Birthday! <3

→ GROWING APART (TO GET CLOSER)

So to what’s important in my life, I apologize, I promise to stay faithful, focus and sanctify
We all get distracted; the question is would you bounce back, or bounce backwards.
Would you not know how to act, or take actions. It's just part of life
If your vision is impaired, you probably lose it all tonight

I’m tryin’ to vision life, how to get it right, but my visions so blurry
Trying to slow it down, faithful to the ground, but we’re always in a hurry, now
And if I could, make this world spin a little slower then I would
And we could grow a little closer, I think we’re getting a little closer, I think we’re getting closer...

- Kendrick Lamar ft. Jhene Aiko - Growing Apart (To Get Closer)

→ DEAR 3828,

What are words, If you really don't mean them
When you say them, What are words
If they're only for good times, Then they don't
When it's love, Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

→ 5

Presence of you being by my side felt so right, the timing was wrong, but not a mistake. "No" never came out of my mouth without a stutter in the mind, realization of missing out on your life I could not handle. Reached a peak of happiness I never experienced but glad it was with you by my side. Doubted the future but decided to live in the present, and us both could not comprehend the feelings and bond that came to be. Reminisced the past tearing at the thought of not having you by my side again, I did not want to miss an opportunity but my mind knew what was best. Talking to you til' morning was never regretted because I knew it was worth it, you're worth it. Our journey's end isn't in sight, so that's why I'm here waiting, because I know in the future you'll still be here by my side....

→ UPDATE

Past weeks I've actually been genuinely happy, but at the same time it was like a roller coaster. Bittersweet life, but I'm fine with it. Built and invested on something that became so rich. There's so much to say but I don't feel the need to put it out here.

Other than that, school's been slow. Life's been chill. Music seems to keep me sane. And everything is just fine.

→ MOST BITTERSWEET WEEKEND EVER

These past days have been amazing, I didn't want any of the nights to end. I simply wished there were more hours in a day just because of you. But it ended, things ended and that was the only bitter part. I feel like I gained the whole world this weekend, but also lost it in a matter of seconds. But am I mad, upset, bitter? Absolutely not, just sad. Catching up, reminiscing never gets old with you.. The bond we share is indescribable, and it is truly all God's blessing. You are a blessing, the way I smile towards you is something else. We're something else. My heart sinks or does SOMETHING, when I think about you leaving and being out of arms reach. You are not gone, you're just in the next chapter.. And I can't wait til I flipped to that page and simply cherish every word, every emotion, every feeling that is presented to me. We've grown up so much, and I'm glad it was in a sense together. This friendship will not change over time, I honestly do not think it is possible. But I am honestly happy that you are happy, I wouldn't want to see you any other way.. that is why the stop starts here, it's best for you. But until then..


Hold it down.

→ THIS

I turn my phone on silent I need to get away
put on J Cole's warm up and let it play
I thank God for blessing me with life every day
and to my peoples who've gone we'll meet at heavens gate
I've been sellin' haze but I'm sure there's better ways
that I can get my pay I just need to get straight
Nothin' left to say now it's time for action
No more bullshit no more relaxin'

-Mac Miller

→ HMM

Lately, lately... I honestly have not been doing much or going out. But I enjoy the stillness of being in my own world. I'm secluding myself from my friends, and to the people who actually care... I apologize. It's a phase I believe, I'm finding it more appealing to spend my night or day at the gym or at home watching basketball. It's not a productive cycle and I'm aware of it, but for now, it'll do. Catching up with friends or even keeping the friendship going passes my mind. I'm contradicting myself with my previous post about valuing friendships, don't get me wrong, I still do. I'm at fault when my actions don't justify my words but just bare with me...

You would think this absence from the world was due to school but that's not the case, school is school. Just trying to get with the flow of my classes and succeed. I'm actually not enjoying my classes as much as last semester due to the lack of consistency in good teachers Skyline offers.. But I will keep striving.

With all that said, I'm still myself. Just not acting like it.

→ SF.LOVE

→ PAST MUSIC SET 3

Eskabel - inDMix ft. Brian Angel
Sean Garrett ft. J. Cole - Feel Love
J. Cole - I'm Coming Home

→ M8

Me being the huge Warriors fan I am, seeing this video actually hit my soft spot. Weird? Just kind of.. but it's true. Seeing the way Monta talks about the game and the way he shows his passion on/off the court is different from the first couple years he played in the NBA. Hell, even last year he wasn't like this!

He matured so much from his days of the "WE BELIEVE" era, and now his repertoire for the game is amazing. What I enjoy most is the fact that Monta realized it's not all about himself, and more about the team. He has became a leader this year, and I've seen different aspects of it and it's... just... great. From mending the relationship with Steph Curry, encouraging players that are struggling on court, and getting his team involved. He's not a kid in the league anymore, sure doesn't act or play like it. So he def deserves an All Star position. Monta Ellis, keep doing your thing. I see that bridge on your back, Warriors Nation Love.

→ TED WILLIAMS WITH A GOLDEN VOICE

Great story, and I'm glad that he turned his life around from drugs and alcohol. Rumors are that he might work for the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Quick Loans arena. His attitude to be humble about his opportunity makes him so appealing to people. I believe he'll get many offers due to his grateful manner. From completely homeless to working with the NBA team Cleveland Cavaliers.

→ GROWTH

Growth (n.) - the act or process, or a manner of growing; development; gradual increase.

Growth to me is vital in understanding the meaning and purpose of life. To ignorantly reject the challenges life has confronted you with and stay the same is similar to being "dead". I've been growing so much from my days in high school and I feel there's so much more to me than what meets the eye with me. To grow I believe the obstacles that pose problems need to be conquered, and on to the next wall to climb. Gaining experience and knowledge is ultimately a part of growing, and it just feels good to learn in life's trials.

→ HK

I miss Hong Kong soo much.. The look and feel of Hong Kong is slipping my memory and I'm a bit upset with that. I've been there maybe 3 times my life but never really cherished what was in front of me. I'm dying to go back and greet my relatives.. Past years I visited they accepted me with open arms and with smiles. Cousins, Uncles, Aunts took days off work to show me around and cook me delicious meals while taking me into their home, I definitely did not show my gratitude enough for all that. I was so young and naive to not take advantage of my surroundings.. whether it was my family gatherings in the mornings (yumcha), shopping in new areas with my brother and Allan, or just simply the smell of the streets. There's so much I wish I can just take in all again.. More importantly, my grandma and grandpa. They're getting old, late 80s, and I actually want to make them happy. I talk to them here and there over the phone but my lack of Chinese skills makes communication difficult. I wish I had a better relationship with them but distance from them makes things hard. They're definitely a blessing in my life, they're just amazingly cute together. I just want to see their faces... I'm going to make a promise to get my grandpa a pair of Air Maxes and a scarf for my Grandma. Kind of getting that emotional feeling thinking about the.... not gonna finish that. I have the need to go back to Hong Kong and take so many pictures, of everything... every little thing that can possibly bring a smile to me. I can look back and say "hey, that was when... or, remember when..." I miss it. I miss the night life, the MTR, the outdoor goods, the different life and surroundings. It was great, it will be great again.

→ CLARA C

Ohh.. Goodness.. She's so pretty, and talented! Drool.... Her voice is simply amazing.