→ NEW WORLD

Coming into Cal Poly Pomona, I couldn't say I was the happiest person. I got rejected to San Diego State and I was torn... Things turned out for the better when I researched that CPP had a top notch hospitality program. So here I am updating my first 4 weeks: to summarize it in a couple words... I'm enjoying it. It's not as lively as I thought it'd be but I realized that IT IS a commuter school. The campus size is decent, the teachers so far are really good. The white girls are phenomenal! One big difference is the shortage of Asians here, bittersweet. Things are different, pretty darn different. I'm cooking every night and the freedom is something I'm enjoying, but there is a little bit of me that misses my overly concerned mother. And that's that for school.

To what I believe is a much more serious matter, I've been struggling to feel wanted, appreciated, and important. I'm sure it's a little bit of everything that accumulated for me to feel this way. I'm off into a totally new world not knowing a person that goes to Pomona, and it's been quite difficult to establish myself into groups because people don't have the same interests as me here, or so it seems so far. Along with that, I miss feeling the importance I felt back in San Francisco, my friends, my family. They made me feel like I belonged to something and I can't wait to be back to just relax with them. Having to spend my birthday alone working on a 7 page paper and studying for a midterm crushed me. It wasn't the fact that I had to do work, it was more that I felt nobody cared... nobody noticed, I wasn't anything special to anybody.

And that's where I bring the girl I've been blogging about back, things have been awfully rough for me and you don't seem to even notice. I couldn't stand seeing the sight of you hugging that guy in pictures, I lost control of myself. The way you spoke to me that night and the way you were letting things go reminded me of the past. You never gave a shit, nor do you give a shit now. You are still the same person, and I just have to bang that flaw into my head so I can just continue on... Trust me, I'm getting there but there are instances where memories I have with you causes me to fall into a rut. I thought we'd be able to be friends, but I'm not able to... Nor do I want someone so discouraging that doesn't appreciate me as a person.

One thing about me is when I invest time in a girl I like and care for, I dive right in. I have to learn from my past so I don't keep coming across girls who don't appreciate me. I find myself a decent looking guy that thought he knew all about getting a girl, but I find myself lost when finding the right girl. It just hasn't came to me yet, where a girl has a mutual care and attraction similar to mine. I've recently been told that I show my cards to fast, maybe that's it, I'm too nice when it comes to girls I fall for. I end up being taking advantage and being unappreciated, and that might be the worst feeling for me. Over and over...


I'll learn soon.

→ 3AM THOUGHTS

I'm stuck in bed thinking about how precious life is. How easily one person can be taken away from you, and I'm completely afraid of that. The thought of losing one of my family members literally brings tears to my eyes, not because I want them there for me... It's because I need them, they are my drive, passion, reason for life. What control do we really have on life? I believe little to none, we rely on something called "hope". And that is rather uncertain, which I fear...

I maybe be thinking of all this at this time of the day because I'm leaving my family for school in a couple days, but what concerns me is will my family be safe. Touch wood, but I certainly hope so. Im given four days to cherish what I have back at home, and these hours seem to be passing me by. I wish I'd come to these thoughts sooner, but I have to work with what I'm dealt.

I can't say enough how much I care for my brother, mom, and dad. Literally in tears typing this because I can't ever think that something bad will happen. I love you guys so damn much... Thank you guys for giving up so much for me and thinking about me before yourself.

Goodnight

→ SUMMER TIME FINE? SUMMER TIME FINE

Enjoying my summer by spending nights with the homies sipping booze with the expected midnight Seniore's pizza run. Basically. Laughter, jokes, good company is what I'm all about.

Day camp was smooth, enjoyed the smiles of every kid that had enough energy to run across the states. Everyday I came in welcomed by a scream or slap on the butt. Yup, these kids were insane (the nice kind). And everyday I'd end up exhausted but satisfied. I look forward year after year to working with kids because I know I'll be in this little happy world which takes cares of the reality of the real world. Not a day during this camp I can say that it was a waste of a day. Despite the imperfections of my life or the camp itself, those imperfections are overshadowed by the joy the kids feel. That is why I do this. 

This summer will be the longest summer I'll experience and I might say that it has been relaxing and enjoyable. 

SoCal is coming up in 4 days, which hasn't processed in my head just yet. I can not wait to spend a week in the hot weather with people who have stuck by me throughout my absence during the school year. Our agenda is packed and things have come through smoothly for us to just enjoy this one week of vacation.

Though it seems this trip is nothing but smiles, I can't ignore that the fact that I won't be coming into SoCal totally satisfied. This is so because things with you have gone downhill and seemed to hit the bottom. I wish the effort was there, I do wish you'd tell me you saved a day for me when I'm down there. But that's wishful thinking, I know I'm not your priority and things for us.... if there is a "us" anymore isn't where we wanted it to be. You know the dates I'm coming, so it's your decision to take work off or just go on with how things are. I'm perfectly fine with everything going on, I've just accepted how you view things but sometimes all I ask for is effort.

→ MP

As a kid I've always been TAUGHT to fight and work hard for the things I want. But I also have LEARNED along the way to not put out the effort when the benefits aren't to my gain. More specifically in relationships. I have been in two relationships in the past where I'd put more than 100% into the relationship but this exact effort was not shown on the other end. I personally believe I was not cared for, and this may be the reason I shy myself away from really getting into something serious with a girl. 

Now I'm in a situation where I'm stuck between going with what I've been taught or what I've learned. Do I put my pride aside and do everything to make this work OR do I learn from my past and take a step back. I think I've always fought for the person I enjoyed being with because I cared. When I invest in someone, I take pride in investing the whole way rather than half-assing it. So it'll be new to step back and wait for the other to show me she's worth, but change is never a bad thing.

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do because of the things you have said to me, I want things to work out. But you've seem to have given up so easily when things get a little rocky and that's just not very convincing...

→ BACK

Hello again, we meet once again.

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I'm glad I'm here typing my thoughts out. Things in life have been in a  constant move. I would say I'm busy, but I know people have it worse. I've been boggling thoughts of summer events, future school plans, while maintaining my grades.

Getting rejected to the two schools that were on top of my list felt terrible, my heart dropped once I placed my eyes on the word "DECLINE" in size 72 big bold letters, well.. at least in my eyes. Visiting the school's site every hour to hope that I'd see my hard work in community college pay out did not happen. I thought I had everything in control, I knew where I wanted to go, I knew what I wanted to get into. I just needed to get into SDSU, but that was not the case. I did not budge once after reading that one word, my heart dropped more than one time that hour. I'd realize that I would not be attending the school I had my eyes on and it'd hit me all over again. 

My mind was all over the place: What would I do now? Stay another year? How about budget cuts, would it be harder to get in next year? Would I wait on other schools, settle for less than what I had wanted? How would my parents feel, did I fail them? Did I not work hard enough? Could I really take another year of community college? Did I set too high of an expectation for myself? Did I take too many classes, should I have taken my time? Why did I take useless classes? Would I get in if I appeal? Damn...... Why?

I was just so overwhelmed and feelings of regret came upon me. There were more questions than answers at this point and I couldn't feel happy. I was unstable. My second favored school rejected me and I was crushed, I had to deal with this.

My parents knew I was eager to get in San Diego State, but through it all they stayed supportive. The two people who pushed me to do well in school saw me fail. They told me it was okay. Their support helped me get over it but it didn't satisfy my need my want my desire to make them proud. I was frustrated.

In the end of all the questioning and searching, things panned out. I got accepted into Cal Poly Pomona which I researched to be a premier school for Hospitality Management ranked next to UNLV as well as Cornell. I couldn't be more happy to find a better school for my major. 

Now I am currently planning to visit the school and finally make my decision. Planning my trip to SoCal was exciting and I can't wait to go down to visit the school and enjoy my time there.

I want to succeed, badly.