Past few days I've been in Lake Tahoe with a group of counselors from my church's day camp that I'll be working for during the summer. This retreat came to me as a surprise since I found out last minute that I'll be leaving for 3 days to a cabin. With that said, I normally enjoy retreats but don't necessarily get anything from them (which is my fault since I don't follow through). Going into this retreat, I had no expectations except a delicious buffet and to joke around like I normally do. So I guess you can say with little expectation, my expectations were met and exceeded, I had a blast. The atmosphere was amazing, everyone was smiling and enjoying their getaway as much as possible...... TOGETHER. The chemistry of each group and the whole staff seemed to be clicking in different ways such as being serious with work/God but being able to crack jokes together. I learned how to play Monopoly Deal and did 3am pranks which were the reasons of being sleep deprived.
I think more importantly were the conversations I had during this retreat. Yes, I laughed constantly but the conversations MADE the retreat for me. I contemplated a lot about my spiritual life and relationship with my Father. Struggling together, my brother Erick and I talked to each other about our perspectives on praying, reading the bible and temptations. Being so similar to each other, we shared similar outlooks and questions and felt the need to attain answers. Sadly we did not turn to God for answers, rather to someone who I feel is an angel sent by God to guide me and my life.... Allan. My mind was stuck on this question I had for myself which was "What happens when I doubt more than I trust?" And this question could possibly summarize my current spiritual life. I'm having more doubts then faith, it's not something I'm proud of but more of an obstacle I'm struggling with. I doubt myself with doing the "spiritual" ish as well as doubting the possibly of getting into heaven because of these such deeds. I came to Allan for answers and assistance, and our talk helped a lot.
With my lifestyle and values, I didn't feel guilty because of what Allan said. I asked him was it wrong to not do the "church stuff" and told him the fact that even if I tried I'd probably wouldn't be able to do it. He told me it's not wrong and that God is not looking for deeds instead the key to heaven's gate revolves around the genuine relationship you have with God. I then thought, well I do feel I have a real relationship with God but maybe it's not genuine since if it was, I'd be WANTING to read the word and praying daily. So that was my problem but I knew I wouldn't be doing the "church stuff" since I had no motivation and just wasn't my priority. Every time I read the Bible I feel like I know the material already since I've been in church my whole life being spoon fed bible verses, parables, and ideas. So due to the repetitive scene I got tired and bored, but Allan helped me realize that I haven't really experienced anything. Ultimately he didn't force me to read the Bible but instead advised me to just relax and allow the time to come for me to experience Him. I felt at ease knowing God does not totally push me away despite the lifestyle I live, rather waits on me and when the time comes He'll embrace me. I wondered why Allan told me to just live life instead of pushing me to do something about my spiritual life if I realized that something was wrong. I came to the conclusion that if I really want a relationship with God, I'd pursue it myself; but to force a relationship with Him it wouldn't be sincere nor genuine. With that said, I guess all I can say is I won't be forcing something that's not there, I'll simply wait until the time comes.
No comments:
Post a Comment